The Plot

My Journey
My Walk With God
--vaguely

I grew up with songs, like, “Jesus Loves Me This I Know.” My grandparents always told me how God loved me, how I was special, how God has a plan for my life. I thought God was pretty awesome; especially Jesus. He was that smiling Shepard with kind eyes. The one who loved children and told his disciples not to stop them from coming to him. My grandparents paid for me to go to Christian school. Now, while the methods were probably not the best—I quickly realized that no matter how hard I tried--- I couldn’t be good all the time—I couldn’t be prefect. And trust me, I tried hard! So when my kindergarten teacher told us how Jesus could save us from our sins, and come live in our hearts & help us be good--- I was all about that! Jesus was pretty awesome from what I could tell, and I saw my desperate inability to live up to perfection.

I can’t remember anything much of distinction between then and Jr. High. I loved Sunday School, I loved going to Christian camp in the summer and I loved Explore Girls (the Christian version of Girl Scouts at my church/school). I thought the bible was cool. I remember my dad got this thick study bible, leather-bound, with his name engraved on the cover. I thought it was wonderful and wanted one of my own more than anything! So when I was 8 he gave me one for the Feast of Tabernacles (which my Dad celebrated in place of Christmas).

In Junior High I went on a retreat with my grandparents’ church and that’s when I remember things being taken to the next level. At this point I knew a lot about God, I knew he was around and loved me, and I wanted to do right--- but mostly, my life was still about me and I didn’t have a close, personal relationship with God. He was more like… a relative—we interacted occasionally. I remember listening to the message and a fire and urgency being stirred up in my bones; my heart. I needed Jesus in my life the way this guy was talking about it. I needed to GIVE CONTROL over everything in my life to God. I didn’t want to go up, because I didn’t want people to think I hadn’t been loving or following God all this time—that I’d just been a poser. My pride got in the way. So I struggled, but I went up at last and such joy exploded into my heart that I will never forget it.

I’ve had similarly powerful experiences since then; landmarks on my journey. Recently, God has been working in my life to take things to a whole new level. He’s taken everything from me, and I’ve never known such sorrow--- but he’s met me in my pain… and now I have joy—even if I still have pain at the same time sometimes. You see, Like in the story My Heart Christ’s Home—I let God in—but it’s been a gradual process giving him control over every aspect of my life… and living in fellowship with Him. Books like, Practicing The Presence of God have made a powerful impact on my life. To live in constant awareness of God’s presence, doing everything as an act of worship and love for Him… to let none of my desires interfere; that is what I strive for. I’m excited because I have no idea at all where I’m going, or what the future holds anymore—I’m just following God and trusting him to lead me… and it’s awesome! I think I’m being lead to full-time ministry or to be a missionary--- but, I don’t know! Only God knows. I’m SUPER excited though… I've surrendered all my dreams... all my expectations... all my arranging... it's great... it has to be done continually...and it’s only taken me 24 years to get here! Ha!