"I wanted them so much... I took them!"

Hey Guys~

Today I read from the book of Joshua. Many things stood out to me.
The Lord told them (when they were to attack Jericho)
"Do not take any of the things set apart for destruction, or you yourselves will be completely destroyed, and you will bring trouble on the camp of Israel."

Then they attacked Jericho, and followed his instructions and that intimidating place was defeated. So, when they moved on to a smaller town-- they became overconfident... in themselves. They were so confident they told Joshua they shouldn't bother sending everyone- they should just send a few thousand. However, though, humanly speaking, they should have been able to win--- they lost. They had placed their trust in themselves, because the task seemed easy, but the Lord was not with them. Someone had taken the things they should not have... so even in this little task they failed (because the Lord was not with them--- "apart from me you can do nothing").

Joshua (who had no idea about the sin) was devastated and threw himself on the ground--- mourning and pleading... But God said, "Get up! Why are you lying on your face like this? Israel has sinned and broken my covenant! They have STOLEN some of the things I commanded must be set apart for me. (what do we steal from the Lord?) And they have not only stolen them but have lied about it and hidden the things among their own belongings (as if they belonged to us!). THAT is why the Israelites are running... in defeat.... I will not remain with you any longer unless you destroy the things among you that were set apart for destruction."

All of this got me thinking... what have I stolen... or what am I tempted to steal that the Lord has told me I must not take? The things set apart for him... And what are we tempted to unite ourselves with or waste our time with, that are things of destruction or things set apart for destruction? And do I then make the connection that the Lord will leave me if I do this? Do I realize when things are going wrong it could be for this reason? Do I examine myself and whether or not I see evidence that "the Lord is with me"... for when the Lord was with Joseph he made him prosper in all he did.

I read on... for who would do such a thing? Ah!!! Listen to this
The guilty party is found... and he confesses .."I wanted them so much that I took them."
I hear his desire... he saw these things, right before his eyes... They were so easy to just reach out and take... They were beautiful, exquisite, temptingly beautiful things... his lust overcame him. In a moment he forgot the Lord's command, his mind being so fixed on these objects of desire (instead of on God). My heart aches--- for this resonates to well with me. How easy it is to fall in a moment! What is it that tempts ME to disobey the Lord? What desires make me weak? Am I filling my mind with my desires or with Christ? I will be strengthened or weakened accordingly. (He who thinks he stands, take heed, lest ye fall! And how I have fallen in the past...)

And then the troubling part... even after confessing... Achan must face the consequences... Death was promised if the command was broken... and death is given--- not only to Achan (and the thirty something other men killed in the failed attack) but death is brought to his sons and daughters. All this troubled me greatly. Why must they be killed too? Is there some application for this to me? Will my sins bring death to not only myself... but to the ones I love most? God forbid! (but then... sin affects many, not just the one sinning... Just as depression affects not only the person depressed but the ones who love the person who is depressed).

The clincher?
In the very next battle... the Lord tells the Israelites that NOW they may keep things for themselves. IF ONLY Achan had waited just a little while....

How many times has that been true in my life? (I tremble at the thought) or yours?
What is God telling us to wait for now? Let us wait... and not experience the bitterness of looking back in regret and agony, saying, "If only I had waited on the Lord! If only I had obeyed!"


---
Curious as to your thoughts, when/if you get the time
~Ella :)

Fill me Christ!

"we can do nothing better than abandon ourselves to God."

When he was in much pain... he was asked what he busied his mind with:
"I am doing what I shall do, through all eternity--blessing God, praising God, adoring God, giving Him the love of my whole heart. It is our one business, my brethren, to worship Him and love Him, without thought of anything else."

God forbid... we are often:
"content rather with God's gifts than with Himself."

"We must make our heart a spiritual temple, wherein to adore Him incessantly."

"Let ALL our employment be to know God;
the more one knows Him, the more one desires to know Him.
And as knowledge is commonly the measure of love, the deeper and more extensive our knowledge shall be, the greater will be our love;
and if our love of God were great, we should love Him equally
in pains and pleasures."


excerpts from: The Practice of the Presence of God
http://www.practicegodspresence.com/

Trouble

A question for the masses...
Do I look like trouble?
Why do people keep telling me that...

Did you know? That I love you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIIIxxye0hI
Oh my God is good
he speaks to me
Through everything...

a poem he gave to me... after listening to the song above. (set to its tune... though probably mixed up too... but see if you can figure it out. and hear the poem my love gave to me.)

Child I'm with you:
And I love you
Don't be afraid
I love you
I'll make you feel alive

Child dance with me
I'll make you free
One day you'll see
You are free

Child wait for me
Just wait and see
You won't believe your eyes
Wait and see

Did you know?
That I love you
Come & meet with me
I love you
I'll make you feel alive

Child I know it hurts
and nothings worse
I know your heart
broken apart
I'll make you feel alive

Did you know?
That I love you
Come & dance with me
I love you
And on this day
I will love you
I'll make you feel alive
And I'll love you
Until the end of time

I Am a Woman

I've been reading this book by Elizabeth Elliot called, Let Me Be A Woman. This woman amazes me... and her words are so strong and wise. This is a poem that has flowed out of me recently; I'm sure as a result. Very raw... not at all refined. I'm open to suggestions and can use all the encouragement you are willing to offer :) Thanks my dear friends & yet to be ones!


I Am a Woman
---

I am a woman don't mistake me for an Angel


I am a woman don't mistake me for a God


I am a woman don't mistake me for your Savior


I am a woman don't mistake me for a Saint


I am a woman

They say God took me out of man
and to him I return
with him I want to stand
Don't follow me, I am not your Savior
but, if you want me, I will be your helper

I am a woman
there are ways you make me weak
but I can, yet, add strength to your strength
as I seek the God you seek

I am a woman
please don't make me lead
I want to follow
but, you can give ear to me

together we will learn this dance
together we'll listen to the melody
Let’s take a twirl
Let’s take this world
Just take my hand, let’s see

I am a woman
my softness is my strength
in my arms may you find comfort
in my words a warm embrace

I am a woman
Don't make me be a man
I am a woman
This is where I stand

.

I Tremble

These scarlet tears
These violent fears
These secret hopes
That bring me here

I tremble quick
My heart screams high
I tremble, I tremble
I sink low & draw nigh

Lord, Oh Lord
Can you still even the heart of me
That buzzes like a beehive
And stings the soul of thee

Still being Edited, suggestions welcome :)

These scarlet tears
These violent fears
These secret hopes
That bring me here

I tremble quick
My heart screams high
I tremble, I tremble
I sink low & draw nigh
(or) I sink low& breathe high

Lord, Oh Lord
Can you still even the heart of me
That buzzes like a beehive
And stings the soul of thee
(or) And stings my mind, that bee

Just a Prayer

How can I
Come to you
Lord
Who am I
That you should love me
Lord
Here am I
To you I come
Lord

And I just can’t wait to see
Everything you have in store
For me
Use me
Lord, draw me close
Put blinders on my eyes

And I’m so grateful
For all these people
All these blessings
Even the blessings in disguise
I want you
I want to want you even more

Take my heart
Take my love
Take my face
Lord lift it up
May I gaze only
In the face of your love

Lord, fill me up
Til I have no room
For anything that’s not of you
Help me discipline myself
To hear your voice
And make the choice
To do what you want
To hear what you ask

Help me open my hands
Let go of everything I grasp
That’s not you
Cuz I would cling to the ones I love
But if you love someone
You let them go
Help me truly give it all to you
Not just in these words
But in my life, may it be true

Loss

How do you deal with Loss?
Only at the foot of the cross
I know
But... how do you deal with loss

What do you do when you wake up crying
And each day you feel like dying
How do you deal with Loss?
Only at the foot of the cross

I know
But I forget when I'm asleep
My heart forgets
I dream and wake with regrets

How do you tear down the memories of your heart
Tell me how
I want to know
How do you deal with heartache
betrayal
When the shock wears off
When the anger fades
When all that's left are tears and pain
How do you deal with heartache

What do you do when even the stares of onlookers
can't keep your tears at bay
What can you do?
What can you say

Lord cover me with ashes
break my skin with new wine
Come to me like oil
mix your soul with mine

Hold me in your arms
capture every tear
tell me that you love me
tell me that you're near

Broken
Shattered
Scared
Left bleeding in my tears
come to me with comfort
quiet all my fears

Broken
Shattered
Scared
But you meet me here
You've taken all my nothing
its you who've brought me here

The place of death
The place of loss
The place of so much pain
that flows through me like water
comes to me like rain

It is here you cleanse me
here you bring me low
You teach me that I need you
You teach me what I know

Here the place
where I have nothing
and I am nothing too
It is here you bring me
to give me hope, just in you

Here you brought me
and here I am
Lord here I am
fill me
take me
use me
the nothing that I am

The Plot

My Journey
My Walk With God
--vaguely

I grew up with songs, like, “Jesus Loves Me This I Know.” My grandparents always told me how God loved me, how I was special, how God has a plan for my life. I thought God was pretty awesome; especially Jesus. He was that smiling Shepard with kind eyes. The one who loved children and told his disciples not to stop them from coming to him. My grandparents paid for me to go to Christian school. Now, while the methods were probably not the best—I quickly realized that no matter how hard I tried--- I couldn’t be good all the time—I couldn’t be prefect. And trust me, I tried hard! So when my kindergarten teacher told us how Jesus could save us from our sins, and come live in our hearts & help us be good--- I was all about that! Jesus was pretty awesome from what I could tell, and I saw my desperate inability to live up to perfection.

I can’t remember anything much of distinction between then and Jr. High. I loved Sunday School, I loved going to Christian camp in the summer and I loved Explore Girls (the Christian version of Girl Scouts at my church/school). I thought the bible was cool. I remember my dad got this thick study bible, leather-bound, with his name engraved on the cover. I thought it was wonderful and wanted one of my own more than anything! So when I was 8 he gave me one for the Feast of Tabernacles (which my Dad celebrated in place of Christmas).

In Junior High I went on a retreat with my grandparents’ church and that’s when I remember things being taken to the next level. At this point I knew a lot about God, I knew he was around and loved me, and I wanted to do right--- but mostly, my life was still about me and I didn’t have a close, personal relationship with God. He was more like… a relative—we interacted occasionally. I remember listening to the message and a fire and urgency being stirred up in my bones; my heart. I needed Jesus in my life the way this guy was talking about it. I needed to GIVE CONTROL over everything in my life to God. I didn’t want to go up, because I didn’t want people to think I hadn’t been loving or following God all this time—that I’d just been a poser. My pride got in the way. So I struggled, but I went up at last and such joy exploded into my heart that I will never forget it.

I’ve had similarly powerful experiences since then; landmarks on my journey. Recently, God has been working in my life to take things to a whole new level. He’s taken everything from me, and I’ve never known such sorrow--- but he’s met me in my pain… and now I have joy—even if I still have pain at the same time sometimes. You see, Like in the story My Heart Christ’s Home—I let God in—but it’s been a gradual process giving him control over every aspect of my life… and living in fellowship with Him. Books like, Practicing The Presence of God have made a powerful impact on my life. To live in constant awareness of God’s presence, doing everything as an act of worship and love for Him… to let none of my desires interfere; that is what I strive for. I’m excited because I have no idea at all where I’m going, or what the future holds anymore—I’m just following God and trusting him to lead me… and it’s awesome! I think I’m being lead to full-time ministry or to be a missionary--- but, I don’t know! Only God knows. I’m SUPER excited though… I've surrendered all my dreams... all my expectations... all my arranging... it's great... it has to be done continually...and it’s only taken me 24 years to get here! Ha!

Desire

Our desires stream forth
From fountains within
Sometimes we run off
With each and every whim

It's harder for us, who want to do right
To run after God and follow His light
The war that we wage is often inside
Which desires are right, which ones do we hide?

It's true we are slaves, we have lost our own lives
God must be first, in each of our lives
So follow His lead, for I have no desire
To come between you and God's Holy fire

Live Inside The Rain

My dear you’re so tired, I know that you are
You need something else, so follow the star
Just sit down and rest, let the rain cleanse your soul
(Look around) let your soul be refreshed in the beauty of old

Little boy inside the man, my heart weeps for you
There’s a little girl inside of me, and she is broken too
Sometimes they feel abandoned, but He’s never really gone
We are cold but he invites us in, (to the fire) where it’s warm
And that’s worth fighting for
You belong to him & I accept you too

(We all bear our burdens, with sorrows to weigh us down
We’re all to weak ta bear them but we don’t have to now
It’s time to give them up, let go & reach for the new
Nursing your wounds is something you can’t do
Only God can heal your pain, I know you feel it’s true)

So come in off the streets, trade your match for a flame
Don’t be afraid, come be real with me again
There are riches more than money,
Come eat this living bread

He will take care of you, just as he said
Look out beyond the rain that falls
There’re rainbows up ahead
Come, let us dry your tears; let us ease your pain
There's a hunger deep inside you
That is what’s to blame

Yes this world is full of sorrows, and it can fill your heart with pain
But when you find living water
You can live inside the rain
Knowing the victory has already been won, (that) will kill the pain

These words go in and out
They breathe and sing and dance
They will give you hope
If you give them half a chance
You are not alone, and you will find Him, when you do
Seek him with all your heart & soul, there is hope for you

Where is the Joy?
It’s found in praising Truth
He resides in the praise of our lips
And joy is in His presence
It’s at your finger tips